Safe Passage

“What do you think when you hear the words “Domestic Abuse”? Think it only happens to someone else? That it could never happen to you? Think again. As I listen to the news stories about Ray and Janay Rice, and watch the elevator videos playing on TV, it brings me back to a secret I’ve kept buried for 25 years. I was once in a similar situation. I never in a million years thought it could happen to me, but it did. I am going to out myself here in case my story can prevent someone else from going through it. Or maybe it will give someone hope and courage to find a way out.

I’m not proud of this chapter in my life. One of the main things I remember about this time was that I was so ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know! Domestic violence victims often self-blame, and their abusers like it that way. That’s precisely why those of us who have been there need to stand up and SHOUT in support of people like Janay Rice. There but for the grace of God go any of us. When you’re inside that situation, you have absolutely no concept that you CAN get out. All you can see and feel is the black hole of abuse you’re stuck in. And somehow you feel like you’re responsible, that it’s your fault.

I consider myself smart, funny, strong and very good at what I do. Not the profile of what I think a Domestic Violence Victim is. So how’d I let it happen? I met a guy, dated him, he said all the right things, got along great with my daughter, and finally I said yes to us moving in with him. Looking back, how could I have been so stupid to put myself and my daughter in that position? I’ll never fully forgive myself.

By the time I realized what was happening, he had isolated me from friends and family, and cut off all my business contacts so I had zero income coming in. It happened gradually, and I just didn’t notice. I’d had long time commercial clients who stopped calling and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought it must have been my fault, which only added to my growing depression and dependence on him. Turns out he’d called each of my clients, said he was my manager, and that I was moving on.

Soon he was keeping tabs on me 24/7, which meant I could not talk on a phone or go anywhere without his knowing exactly what I was saying or doing. I remember one time I went to lunch with a long time girlfriend who sensed something was wrong. Before I could tell her, I looked across the restaurant and he was sitting there staring at me with that “black anger” look I knew so well.

I was lucky. He never hit me. It was only verbal abuse that played on my insecurities and got progressively worse. He became angrier and more obsessive. He rammed my car with his car once, and another time in a rage he stepped on the gas and drove his car through the garage door. I knew physical abuse was next.

After the car ramming incident, and seeing my daughter’s face when it happened, I knew I had to get us out. I found a way to get off by myself to call that same girlfriend and admit what was happening. She offered me a place to stay and helped me make a plan. The next evening while he was gone, I packed two suitcases (one each for me and my daughter) and we escaped, leaving everything else behind. I got a restraining order the next morning. He was livid and tried everything he could to get me back. It was a terrifying time! But we rode it out and lived with my friend and her husband for four months while I got my feet back under me. Thank God for those dear friends!

Domestic Violence cuts across all cultures, races, ages, and demographics. You know someone right now who is dealing with it, whether you realize it or not. We must make it okay to talk about. We must educate our young men on how to treat and respect women, and change our culture so that women know their value. Sometimes men are victims too. We need solid support systems for everyone and their children (including family pets!) who need safe places to stay as they escape and rebuild their lives.

My heart is with you, Janay. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m also glad you don’t have to carry it alone any more. Your story will help shed light on this issue for so many more families. Know you have the support and love of more people than you realize. I pray that with counseling and support, you and your family can heal from this, and most of all, that you come to know your true strength, beauty and worth. And, that you role model that legacy for your children.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please reach out and tell someone. Call a hotline and turn it over to someone else. One organization I am proud to support is Safe Passage at www.safepassagelives.org. I have personally seen them create miracles as they transform the lives of abused women and their children. Check out their website, and contact them. People who care are waiting to help”