"PERFECT"
by Barbara Niven

I awaken and oh God
it's still here
THE PANIC
I cringe and lie still
and do a quick once-over
of my enemy
my body
my flesh
Am I fatter than yesterday?
I can't be
I didn't eat
but God I feel
gross
ugly
out of control

I jump up
stare into the mirror
and hate what I see
eyes that stare back
in a face too round
a body too fleshy
too disgusting
too much
too much
not perfect
yet
NEVER
PERFECT

I hate what I see
what I feel
this panic
always there
boiling
beneath the surface
of my pretense
no one knows
no one knows
because I put on
a perfect face
a perfect smile
to hide
that I'm
NOT PERFECT

I am never
thin enough
smart enough
pretty enough
perfect enough
and
I am so tired
of this racing clock
inside of me
that never stops
I can't slow down
I can't let up
I must try harder
do more
race faster
oh god
maybe if I just
fade away
to nothing
no one else will notice
that
I am
NOT
PERFECT

I look around
and I see
other people
that seem to like
who they are
what they see
who are satisfied
who are at peace
how do they do it
they say
no big deal
nobody's perfect
and they laugh
and I laugh too
so they
won't see
won't know
MY
SECRET

I am out of control
spinning faster
I can't stop
I must stop
I want to
STOP

someone help me
please

I want peace
I want to get off
this stupid ride
to accept myself
forgive myself
love myself
what a concept
what a joke
like mother
like daughter
mother
daughter

it must
STOP
HERE

I look again at the
woman in the mirror
she stares back
haunted
she is at war
and she is losing
herself
her dreams
her truth

she stares
eyes empty
silent screaming
pleading
hiding
knowing
she can never rest
never stop
trying
pushing
running
FAILING
racing
to be
PERFECT