Okay, this is scary for me to talk about, but I am going to "out" myself
because I hope I can help someone else. Like many women (and men too), I
have been battling eating disorders and self image problems most of my
life, starting at age 15. I did it all: anorexia, bulimia, binging,
over-exercise. But no matter how much weight I lost I could never look
"skinny". It's not my body type! So I always felt disgusting and like a
failure. I hated myself and my body, but always tried to hide how I felt
behind a smile. It was my secret shame.
I had always been everybody's "perfect" little girl, the sunshine of the
family, and had a real problem expressing any negative emotions. So they
would build up inside me until I literally had to "throw them up."
Sometimes three or four times a day. And since I am a very good actress,
nobody knew my secret, not even my husband. I was dying a little more
every day. And terribly alone.
In 1995 my mother died, and I finally hit bottom. The stress of her
dying process was enormous and I dealt with it using my same old
pattern, internalizing it and throwing up more and more frequently. I
was so worn out! I actually remember wanting to die rather than have to
live like that any more. It was then that my sister confronted me
outside the bathroom door. No one had ever done that before. I angrily
denied it and hated her for it...but it turned out it was the greatest
thing she ever did for me, and she probably saved my life. I promised
her I would get help just to shut her up.
Although it was one of the hardest things I ever did, I looked in the
yellow pages and dialed an Eating Disorder Clinic in my area. Getting
the first word out was terrifying! But after that first word there was
such a sense of relief! Finally somebody understood -- (they didn't
think I was disgusting!) -- and I just let them take it from there. My
therapist helped me understand the reasons behind my behavior. And now I
have it mostly under control, although I don't think it will ever
totally disappear. I have just learned ways of "derailing" it when the
panic comes. What works for me is telling someone immediately that I'm
getting panicky about what I just ate and I want to go throw up. Of
course, my friends have been warned ahead of time, and I feel safe with
them (I don't recommend trying that on strangers.) :) The miracle
is....when I say it out loud, somehow having it out in the open and not
MY HORRIBLE SECRET frees me up and I don't need to do it. Who knew?
I don't want any more secrets in my life. Which is why I am "outing"
myself about this and revealing my struggles. I also hope I can help
someone else. Because if I can do it, so can you.
I wrote the poem "Perfect" during one of my worst times, about what it
feels like to have an eating disorder, or at least how it felt for me. I
have since learned that "Perfect" is an impossible goal and sets
yourself up for failure. If you want to read it, click here: "Perfect" a
poem by Barbara Niven
If you can identify with my poem and my story, please tell someone
today, or look in the yellow pages or online for a phone number or
Hotline to call for help. You don't have to live like this any more!
Also, if you are a "Cutter" and can't stop hurting yourself, you are not
alone! Come visit our board, it's a first step in your recovery. We
care! You just have to take the first step....
When I gave up "Perfect" my whole life opened up. I have learned to love
myself. It feels so great to not have SECRETS any more!
Please, learn to love yourself too, you are worth it!
Love,
Barbara
xoxox
ps - I've profiled in a new book called "Feeding The Fame:
Celebrities Tell Their Real-Life Stories of Eating Disorders and
Recovery" by Gary Stromberg and Jane Mitchell. Click here for more info
and to order!
pps - I also taped an episode of The Dr. Keith Ablow Show, on "Eating
Disorders, Fame & The Pressure To Be Thin In Hollywood". It aired Jan 17, 2007. If you missed it, you can go to the archives at the Dr. Keith Ablow Show and view clips and see blogs about it there.
